Public Service Announcement
Public Service Announcement
It has come to my attention recently that my writing to you all here has been labeled a (shudder) “BLOG”.
This is not a blog. Please be assured nothing could be further from the truth.
I loathe that word, blog. I wouldn’t want to do it, or be it.
“You indolent, insufferable…you, you despicable piece of….. BLOG!. That’s all you do all day, isn’t it? Blatantly blog along, blog, blog, blog, just to tick me off.
Blog…. Blog….Blog….Blog. Pick up your feet, for heaven’s sake!
Blog. Who could equate my inspirational epistles with that word? Blog. Sounds sinister, damp, deep, dark and fetid. A blog is where pod people lurk, definitely suburban zombies, and no doubt vast quantities of peat moss.
Blog. Sickly, pallid, rancid like a rotting fish belly.
Blog. Congealing, semi-solid, revolting like egg salad.
(I can’t even stand to look at egg salad. I am feeling nauseous just writing this. And some of you are thinking “Gee…I don’t know. I kind of like egg salad.” Well YOU”RE WRONG!!!!!! Stupid blogs…)
No this is going to be called a “DAISY”.
Yes, a Daisy. No deep, pithy, esoteric reason. Nope, just solely cause it’s a better word. Proverbially fresh, right? Innocuous. Inviting. Alluring.
That sounds a lot more like me doesn’t it? Especially now, since I depilatory creamed my legs for the first time in 4 years.
It was time. I just knew.
Well, when I sat out in the backyard on the chaise lounge last weekend, another first in 4 years, I noted my voluminous leg tresses, wafting leisurely in the breeze, were actually entrapping passing insects. I don’t need that kind of pressure. I mean especially when I am already going through all these profound life changes, and spiritual growth which I find off putting enough, for heaven’s sake.
Next thing you know I’ll end up being blackballed by some kind of militant “hyperactivist” environmental group, emphasis on the “mental” there, as always in these cases, out there trying to save the Black Saddlebags Skimmer’s reproductive playground, or some such noble endeavor. (It’s a type of dragonfly. Nothing to do with those stubborn cellulite deposits.)
Personally I’m a confirmed city girl myself. Nature is something I pass through between buildings. The closest I’ve come to taking a stand on an environmental issue is wearing the lapel pin my friend Edna gave me for my birthday that queries, “If a man speaks in the forest and there’s no woman around to hear, is he still wrong?”
If you ask me this whole eco-terrorist trend has gotten out of hand. Some of these psychos are ready to gun you down if you don’t go “green”. I mean it’s fine on St Patrick’s Day, going green. It’s okay to pretend you’re Irish then. After all at Christmas you pretend to like your family. Quite frankly, if you ask me, this modern society has become too goldang eco over obsessed! The whole thing’s out of control. Come on, if it’s so wrong to put plastic in the garbage why would they use it to make the bag? Huh? Huh?
Oh don’t get me wrong. I’ve paid my dues communing with the wilderness. I even climbed one of those big mountains at Lake Louise. I should have known when they suggested we go on a fun hike. Fun hike. Isn’t that quite the oxymoron! And in the end there was no reason to climb the mountain, no reward at the top. Not even a bar for cripes’ sake. Well I’m afraid I just lost it, no doubt due to alcohol deprivation at the extreme altitude.
No, girlfriends, I write a daisy. Did you know the Spanish word for “daisy” is actually “margarita”. Inviting, alluring, maybe not so innocuous, but definitely alcoholic. Join me next time, my Fab @ 50 friends, and perhaps we’ll chat about the power of positive drinking.
But the moral of the story here is, kids, everything is possible. You CAN write a daisy, instead of a blog. You can do whatever you want to. It’s never too late to accomplish your goals. PAY NO ATTENTION when people chastise you for following your instincts, listening to your heart, moving in the direction of your dreams. “You gotta face reality!”
The truth is you NEVER have to face other people’s reality, because you have the courage and the strength to get out there and CREATE YOUR OWN REALITY! Now, I warn you, this enlightened way of thinking is going to prove very threatening to lesser mortals who will feel the need to drag you back down to their level.
“You can’t do that!”
“Oh please, that will never work.”
“Who do you think you are?”
Don’t you listen, Fab@50 Sistas, when the supposedly well meaning inevitably try to rain on your parade. It has nothing to do with you, but, rather, everything to do with them, their fear, their insecurity, their envy, their feelings of powerlessness. Walk away from their “toxic”.
Just remember, kids, what other people think of you is none of your business.
I leave you with the wise words of Henry David Thoreau, “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings.”
See, now you know I’m not just making this stuff up.
Rock on, Fabulous Females!
Til next time, remember, one size NEVER fits all.
Shirley Best ~ Investigative Housewife, Stress Management Expert, Fashion Icon and Certified Credit Card Utilization Consultant.
ABOUT ZANDRA BELL
One of the stars of the TV comedy series “She Kills Me”, award winning author and motivational humorist, Zandra Bell, is well known on the corporate conference scene for creating original, intelligent hilarity designed to inspire, and enhance human potential.
These innovative presentations, specifically researched, & customized according to clients’ business objectives, are performed in the persona of her iconic comedy alter ego, “Shirley Best”, a charismatic, sixty-something housewife turned self-avowed stress management expert, and certified credit card utilization consultant.
Working with individuals from your organization in advance, to absorb & intuit the nuances of your workplace reality, Zandra establishes a deeper understanding of the issues that other “canned” keynotes just cannot achieve. Zandra’s uniquely creative presentations are the ultimate solution to resolving workplace stress, and raising staff morale and productivity.
As one of her countless corporate testimonials puts it, “Zandra Bell is face hurting funny.”
Find out more about Zandra Bell, click here.